This year for lent I gave up Facebook, Twitter, Bloglines and Korean dramas.  This sounds lame but it’s actually been quite a challenge.  When I’m bored and have nothing else to do, I check Facebook, or watch the next episode in a Korean drama.  When Will’s not home and I’m lonely, I’ll read the latest blog posts on my feed.  So when I gave these things up, I found myself with a lot of time on my hands.  And really, it’s understandable.  My life isn’t super busy – I work, eat and have small group once a week.  What am I doing the rest of the time?  I’m online!

My prayer life has really sucked over the last year.  When I think about it, nothing hugely traumatic or difficult was going on in my life.  And I think that’s exactly why I didn’t pray.  I didn’t have a felt need to do so.  I’ve written about this before, but it was so much easier for me to maintain a constant prayer life when I was in ministry – both because of my schedule, and because I had a larger felt need to pray.  I clearly needed God’s power and provision to lead people and for His hand on their lives.  But in my day to day life, there isn’t a big felt need for prayer (for me at least).

Well, after I gave up all that for lent, I had tons of time on my hands, and so I ended up praying.  I’m ashamed to admit that until now I had been spending about once a week with God.  At first it was difficult to concentrate.  I didn’t know what to pray about.  But now, two weeks into Lent, I feel a new awakeness of spirit and awareness of God.  Nothing has changed – no drastic needs – but I feel God with me.  My spirit connects with God when I spend time with Him.  I realize I have not made space for God in my life.  And I have numbed my soul with other things so much so that even when I did pray it was hard to wake myself out of my spiritual slumber.

It’s been a great season for me, and I only hope it continues after Easter.

Anyways, we visited a church that some of our friends out here go to.  It was such a flashback to the past.  The worship style, the sermon (it was on the sovereignty of God), the token white pastor in a 90% Korean congregation that calls itself multi-ethnic.  It was familiar and yet very uncomfortable for  me.  I realize that I’ve changed so much in the last 12 years or so.  To be honest, it was not a very welcoming place (at least our friends warned us about that), the talk felt very stern and one dimensional, and also, the girls were totally checking me out!  And probably, I have a certain sensitivity to these things because of the fact that they are so familiar to me.

I think there is a place for ethnic specific churches.  But I wish they would just call it like it is – a Korean church – not a multi-ethnic church.  Also, going there reminded me of something that I realized when I left the Korean church, that each culture has its strengths and weaknesses, which affects its spirituality.  The gift of a multi-ethnic church, or even partnership of ethnic specific churches with other ethnic churches that are different from them, is that it brings balance and expands the perspective and worldview of the church.

At any rate, on her once-a-year time off from work, she went to Ireland for a vacation, alone.  And God met her in a profound and precise way.  He divinely initiated a healing process in her life that she needed.  As she shared with me the story, it struck me that God is so loving and pursues us, even on our own terms sometimes.  

He knew how busy she was, and picked the one time in the year when he knew she would be open and ready, and her being in Ireland wasn’t going to stop Him.  God is so faithful!

But I have come to savor this time.  God knows me so well.  I’m grateful to have had this time to pray, reflect, think and be alone.  I’ve been able to get my feet planted in the city, discover places around town and I’ve come to really love this place already.  I don’t think I would’ve had that if I started work immediately.

I’m also more comfortable with being unemployed.  My identity is not in the work I do, but in who I am.  Being away from everything, everyone and expectations has brought about a refreshing freedom to figure out who I really am.

Well, those small group members need to learn some resilience.  Just kidding.

First, there is the challenge of establishing a rhythm of life.  I’ve been unemployed for less than 3 weeks, during which I got married, went on a honeyoon and moved, and already I feel very antsy and restless.  I’m trying to set up a rhythm of prayer, job searching, homemaking and just being that keeps me sane.

It is different only knowing 3 people here.  My husband, and my husband’s best friend and wife.  I need to make friends.  Really bad.  I think this is the biggest shock right now.

And then there is the business of finding a church and settling into it.  This part does not shock me as much, and I think it is because it was so hard the last time I did it, and I now know what to do and what to expect.

Then marriage.  We are SO different!  :)  I am also learning new things about my husband.  I will leave it at that.

The only way I can describe it all is to compare myself to a newborn baby.  Sometimes I seriously feel like a baby.  Learning to do basic things like get around, survive the cold, walk in the snow, drive in the snow, run errands, find my way through the streets.  Even activities like throwing out the trash, checking the mail and parking the car is different.  I feel really dependent on others too.  For directions, for learning my way around the apartment, for companionship.

The good thing is that I feel more dependent on God.  The image I keep getting is that I am just leaning into him in this season.  I feel a heightened awareness of his voice these days.

I sense God’s provision in this, and in my move though.  I applied to a job that would get my foot in the door in the field.  Well, a few weeks ago Will met someone who knew someone who works at that organization.  I chatted with him on Friday, and later he emailed me saying he put in a good word for me because he saw my passion for the work, that my experience was in line with the work, and that I carried myself well on the phone.

I reeeaaally hope I get this job!  I have never wanted a job so badly.

My boss told me that all three managers in my department were in agreement that I was the top performer in my position!  I was so flattered.  I had no idea until Friday.  He had just finished writing my review and told me he hoped it would get approved so I could take it with me.

I have so many mixed emotions.  My coworkers do too.  They are both excited for me and sad that I’m leaving.  That’s how I feel.

They are throwing a bridal shower for me.  It will probably end up being a shower/goodbye party.

• I’m less black and white about things.  I see more grey.
• Along those lines, I find it harder to give dating advice these days.  It’s always, “well, you could do this or that”.
• I am more informed.
• I am less attached to or defined by what I do.  I just realized the other day that I haven’t done any sort of formal ministry for over a year – haven’t led a Bible study, led worship, mentored, discipled, developed or led anything really.  The most I’ve done is pray for a person or two here and there.
• I’m learning to find a balance between doing something meaningful and significant, and understanding that work itself is good too.
• My view of family is changing.  Family is important.  Not that it wasn’t important before, but I think it was easier to sort of brush my family aside in the past.
• I’m more okay with not knowing what the future holds or what my specific calling in life is.  I think I’m coming to terms with being in a longer journey.

This is hopeful for me!  These were a lot of the things I was wrestling with when I first started this blog.  I need to carry these with me as enter the next phase in my journey.