Flashback

A few weeks ago, Will and I visited a Korean Presbyterian church in the area.  When we first thought about moving to Chicago, we talked about going back to a Korean church.  We both grew up in Korean churches, but left at some point for various reasons.  I wanted to consider going to a Korean church because we would be in a new place and it was something familiar, and also because I thought it might be different out here in the midwest.  

Anyways, we visited a church that some of our friends out here go to.  It was such a flashback to the past.  The worship style, the sermon (it was on the sovereignty of God), the token white pastor in a 90% Korean congregation that calls itself multi-ethnic.  It was familiar and yet very uncomfortable for  me.  I realize that I’ve changed so much in the last 12 years or so.  To be honest, it was not a very welcoming place (at least our friends warned us about that), the talk felt very stern and one dimensional, and also, the girls were totally checking me out!  And probably, I have a certain sensitivity to these things because of the fact that they are so familiar to me.

I think there is a place for ethnic specific churches.  But I wish they would just call it like it is – a Korean church – not a multi-ethnic church.  Also, going there reminded me of something that I realized when I left the Korean church, that each culture has its strengths and weaknesses, which affects its spirituality.  The gift of a multi-ethnic church, or even partnership of ethnic specific churches with other ethnic churches that are different from them, is that it brings balance and expands the perspective and worldview of the church.

God pursues

I had a moment of wonder at God a few weeks ago, as I saw God working in someone’s life.  My friend E, is an ER resident.  She is busy, to say the least, on top of the fact that she is an extremely hard worker and strives for perfection in everything she does.  The life of a resident is painfully busy, demanding and grueling.  

At any rate, on her once-a-year time off from work, she went to Ireland for a vacation, alone.  And God met her in a profound and precise way.  He divinely initiated a healing process in her life that she needed.  As she shared with me the story, it struck me that God is so loving and pursues us, even on our own terms sometimes.  

He knew how busy she was, and picked the one time in the year when he knew she would be open and ready, and her being in Ireland wasn’t going to stop Him.  God is so faithful!

Marriage

I’ve only been married for a bit over a month, so who am I to say?  But I can already say that marriage is a gift.  I’m beginning to get a taste of how awesome and deeply profound marriage is.  There is something about being committed to a person for life, partnering, loving, supporting, sharpening and companionship-ing with one another that is so of God.

Extended retreat

Since moving to Chicago, I’ve had a lot of time alone.  There were times when I had a particular feeling.  I identified the feeling as the same sort of feeling I had when I went on prayer retreats.  At first I felt restless.  Without work, friends, church or community, I didn’t have much to do.  Even beyond that, I felt stripped of my identity and value.  People here don’t know who I am.  They know me as Will’s wife.  I cringed inside when people asked me what I do.  Unemployed, I’d respond.

But I have come to savor this time.  God knows me so well.  I’m grateful to have had this time to pray, reflect, think and be alone.  I’ve been able to get my feet planted in the city, discover places around town and I’ve come to really love this place already.  I don’t think I would’ve had that if I started work immediately.

I’m also more comfortable with being unemployed.  My identity is not in the work I do, but in who I am.  Being away from everything, everyone and expectations has brought about a refreshing freedom to figure out who I really am.

Life in cold weather

Today Will and I were planning on going to a small group together. I went last week and enjoyed it, and was looking forward to going with Will. Early this afternoon, he told me he just received an email saying it was cancelled.  When I asked him why, he said they cancelled it because it’s supposed to be zero degrees tonight. Bummer!

Well, those small group members need to learn some resilience.  Just kidding.

Hello Chicago

So I find myself in another transition.  I’m just 5 days into perhaps the biggest one I’ve experienced in my short life so far.  From singlehood to marriage, Los Angeles to Chicago, employed to unemployed, part of a community to searching for one, and suburb to city.  Whew.  I’ve been a bit excited, a bit lost, a bit awestruck, a bit cold, a bit lonely, a bit homesick and a bit bored.  I’m trying to adjust to life here.

First, there is the challenge of establishing a rhythm of life.  I’ve been unemployed for less than 3 weeks, during which I got married, went on a honeyoon and moved, and already I feel very antsy and restless.  I’m trying to set up a rhythm of prayer, job searching, homemaking and just being that keeps me sane.

It is different only knowing 3 people here.  My husband, and my husband’s best friend and wife.  I need to make friends.  Really bad.  I think this is the biggest shock right now.

And then there is the business of finding a church and settling into it.  This part does not shock me as much, and I think it is because it was so hard the last time I did it, and I now know what to do and what to expect.

Then marriage.  We are SO different!  :)  I am also learning new things about my husband.  I will leave it at that.

The only way I can describe it all is to compare myself to a newborn baby.  Sometimes I seriously feel like a baby.  Learning to do basic things like get around, survive the cold, walk in the snow, drive in the snow, run errands, find my way through the streets.  Even activities like throwing out the trash, checking the mail and parking the car is different.  I feel really dependent on others too.  For directions, for learning my way around the apartment, for companionship.

The good thing is that I feel more dependent on God.  The image I keep getting is that I am just leaning into him in this season.  I feel a heightened awareness of his voice these days.

Some direction

I think I’m starting to hone what I want to do.  The “Wide Awake” talk series at church helped me process and continue to keep myself engaged in thinking about my career.  It’s exciting and scary at the same time, because now that I know which direction I want to go in, there are other fears like, what if it doesn’t happen?  What if I can’t get a job in that area?  And things like that.

I sense God’s provision in this, and in my move though.  I applied to a job that would get my foot in the door in the field.  Well, a few weeks ago Will met someone who knew someone who works at that organization.  I chatted with him on Friday, and later he emailed me saying he put in a good word for me because he saw my passion for the work, that my experience was in line with the work, and that I carried myself well on the phone.

I reeeaaally hope I get this job!  I have never wanted a job so badly.

Three weeks

I gave my 3 weeks notice on Friday!  It as such a relief to finally tell everyone about my plans.  

My boss told me that all three managers in my department were in agreement that I was the top performer in my position!  I was so flattered.  I had no idea until Friday.  He had just finished writing my review and told me he hoped it would get approved so I could take it with me.

I have so many mixed emotions.  My coworkers do too.  They are both excited for me and sad that I’m leaving.  That’s how I feel.

They are throwing a bridal shower for me.  It will probably end up being a shower/goodbye party.

Reflection on the last year

I did some reflection during my day off today.  It’s cool to see some of the ways I’ve made progress.  Every little step counts!  Here are a few:

• I’m less black and white about things.  I see more grey.
• Along those lines, I find it harder to give dating advice these days.  It’s always, “well, you could do this or that”.
• I am more informed.
• I am less attached to or defined by what I do.  I just realized the other day that I haven’t done any sort of formal ministry for over a year – haven’t led a Bible study, led worship, mentored, discipled, developed or led anything really.  The most I’ve done is pray for a person or two here and there.
• I’m learning to find a balance between doing something meaningful and significant, and understanding that work itself is good too.
• My view of family is changing.  Family is important.  Not that it wasn’t important before, but I think it was easier to sort of brush my family aside in the past.
• I’m more okay with not knowing what the future holds or what my specific calling in life is.  I think I’m coming to terms with being in a longer journey.

This is hopeful for me!  These were a lot of the things I was wrestling with when I first started this blog.  I need to carry these with me as enter the next phase in my journey.

Day off

I had the day off today for Veteran’s Day.  It was such a treat!  I ended up doing a bunch of stuff that I can’t get done during the weekend.  I got my blood work done in the morning, which was great because you can’t eat 8 hours prior to drawing the blood.  So if I went after work, I would’ve had to be hungry all day.  Then I went to a coffee shop, had a leisurely prayer time.  Did some studying (more on that later).  Met up for lunch with a friend.  Then went to my grandma’s.  Met up with my mom and aunt to go veil shopping.

It was so nice to have a weekday off to get errands done!  On staff, it was much easier to get stuff done.  I always did shopping on a weekday morning – this guarantees plentiful parking and fewer crowds and lines. 

Tomorrow, it’s back to the grind.